Jester in Japan

Illustration Friday: Sorry

2006-05-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

I've decided that the use of 'my bad' in replacement of 'i'm sorry' is inexcusable. Somehow the new phrase relieves the one at fault of truly feeling sorry for their actions. Sure its fresh and hip - but its also totally insincere. Sorry to all you youngsters out there - find some new lingo.

Illustration Friday: Angels and Devils

2006-05-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

Illustration Friday: Fat

2006-05-06T21:19:00.000-07:00

Illustration Friday...Robot

2006-04-22T13:06:00.000-07:00

2006-01-19T16:05:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: E is for...End.

2006-01-07T06:41:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: Sea...And wouldn't you know it, he forgot his swizzlestick.

2006-01-02T05:30:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: Flavor...Pardon the pun. Late holiday illo below - Happy New Year People!

2006-01-02T05:27:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: Holiday...Ludwig the Angry Elf. Employed for extra staffing on Christmas Eve 2005. Fired before midnight.

2005-12-21T16:34:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: Imagine. Bobby and Suzy take their imaginary friends for a walk.

2005-12-14T20:01:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: Surprise...Hanging out after every hot bath.

2005-12-14T19:58:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: Surprise. Line Guy #2 didn't seem suprised by the news...until the Eraser came to town.

2005-12-14T19:57:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: Surprise....attack!

2005-12-07T07:32:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: Blue...in the face.

2005-11-26T23:37:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: Small. Small idea. Tiny amount of time. Pea-brained joke.

Fred TreeHead and Little Timmy - 2 posts, couldn't help myself.

2005-11-21T03:00:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: FREE. Fred's knee-jerk retort since the doctors confirmed his hairline was coniferous.

2005-11-21T00:21:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: FREE. Kindergarten Freedom Fighters Unite!

2005-11-14T06:34:00.000-08:00

ILLUSTRATION FRIDAY: STRENGTH...swift, smart and strong. More postings to come - good drawing days, ya gotta love 'em!

2005-11-10T07:32:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: Night

2005-10-31T05:59:00.000-08:00

Illustration Friday: Broken...whaddya think? Too cliche?

2005-10-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

Excuse me waiter, there seems to be a Green Arrow in my coffee. Drawn for www.tokyogumbo.com

2005-10-24T03:48:00.000-07:00

Illustration Friday: REMOTE...That wonderfully remote meditation space. In celebration of my dear friends' fantastic hair!

2005-10-20T17:19:00.000-07:00

Illustration Friday: Cold...simple, immature and just in time!

2005-10-02T02:33:00.000-07:00

Illustration Friday: Float

2005-09-26T06:44:00.000-07:00

Illustration Friday: Fresh

2005-09-18T00:29:00.000-07:00

Illustration Friday: Escape

2005-09-03T03:28:00.000-07:00

Choose wisely.

2005-08-22T05:06:00.000-07:00

Mandy-chan

2005-08-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

The 3 I's

2005-07-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

Beware the Peeker...

2005-07-19T01:15:00.000-07:00

Dozo and Domo Meet

2005-07-19T01:14:00.000-07:00

Dozo and Domo Do Onsen

2005-07-19T01:12:00.000-07:00

Dozo and Domo Do Booze

2005-06-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

Oh, and we laughed...

2005-04-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

Dozo and Domo at dinner.

2005-04-21T15:51:00.000-07:00

Somewhere between Ricefield #4,236 and #4,237

2005-04-21T15:49:00.000-07:00

Hitch-hiking Japan without pants.

2005-04-21T00:23:00.000-07:00

SARCASM NOW! in action...ok, this is a little mean!

SARCASM NOW!!*

2005-04-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

And now a word on a new coping mechanism called: SARCASM NOW!

Based on the Serenity Now! approach used by self-help groups internationally, SARCASM NOW! allows its believers to turn life on its fat ass and laugh at it. Serenity Now! is a statemtent of affirmation - one of peace and calmness used to ward-off depressing or stressful environments. We all need some sort of technique in those situations, don't we? It's an understatement to say that life can get depressing - but I can promise that at the very least, SARCASM NOW! does ensure an inner-giggle, and at most, can provide relief from the alleged seriousness of life.... After all, everything on this planet is ridiculous, absurd and at times even meaningless...Sometimes we just need to try harder to see that side of it.

Consider these simple scenarios.

1. A co-worker is being pushy around the office - curt, and impatient. You would love to leave work early on account of this abnoxious co-worker, but that isn't an option if you want to pay the bills that month. SARCASM NOW! suggests that one should, subtly - but just loud enough to perhaps get a laugh out of another sitting nearby, respond pleasantly to this co-worker, and in the same curt and impatient delivery. A simple mock can go a long way for your mental health. Don't look like you are taking the piss out of them, so be consistent. Only then will the sarcasm fill your heart with the loving distance you need to deal with that person...Beating the shit out of said co-worker is not a logical option, as you might lose your job and/or risk getting a beating back. SARCASM NOW! is the happy grey area to guarantee the angry release without the pitfall.

2. An ex-girlfriend is sleeping around town, and waving her new-found, guilt-free hedonist lifestyle in your face. You need no meditation, therapy or self-help books to deal with this little bitch. SARCASM NOW! suggests you offer her a condom next time you see her. Why get angry when you can wrap her up with sarcastic love and tell her, 'I just want you to be safe.' Or perhaps, if you feel that is too obvious a jab, then during your next phone call with her, tell her how excited you are about the new book you are reading: Hell; Eternal Vacancy in Paradise. Go into detail about how interesting you think the chapters are on spirits going to and leaving hell, and how the weight of Hell itself is perpetually changing, despite all humanity has learned about loving and caring. You can say to her, 'Why even just [enter break-up date here], Hell has gained a significan population. Honestly - this book is quite factual!'

3. Room-mate getting you down? Is he/she a total idiot, a gross socially inept slob, capable only of repeating movie quotes and telling pointless stories? No problem. Make some fake stories of your own, but never, ever finish them. In fact, be even more obvious in your quest for pointless narratives. Create non-existent movies and brag about how they were so much better than any/all the movies your roommate has droned on and on about over the past months. The real key to sarcastic liberation from this situation is to yawn/burp/fart and ignorantly cut your roommates off in the middle of their stories. The power of SARCASM NOW! will never be stronger!

With its double CD component to the program, SARCASM NOW! teaches proper intonation and delivery of common, everyday phrases to help relieve you of the stresses of Societal Idiocy. Phrases such as - 'You don't say?' or 'Hey, that is really, really interesting. I had no idea.' or 'Man, I could really use a beer right now!' are so perfectly refined that only others who subscribe to the sarcastic approach will pick up on them. And when you do see that other person on your own 'sarcastic turf', think of the laughs you will have! Liberation can indeed be yours, and the magic of the program is that you can share it with others too! [Not too many people of course, cause then it'd stop being funny, and that's not good.]

SARCASM NOW! is being practiced by a small population of believers, and is growing daily. Feel free to inquire about the program, and in preparation for the course, take a moment out of your day and repeat this mantra: 'I could be dead right now, but I know that being a sarcastic bastard is so much more rewarding.'

*Developed and designed by a total prick.

Origami Place

2005-01-21T23:24:00.000-08:00

In my origami place the sleeping geckos dream
Of flies, crumbs and insects with oishi feet.
Although its cold and the architect lean,
I maintain that my Origami Place is a treat!

Paper walls are the strongest of all,
For they can fold into a hundred shapes.
The heroic crane and then an octopus,
followed by a rabbit and then maybe an ape.

The car I leave behind my place can
Take me to work on time and with care,
but if I fold my house into the form of my choice,
it will bring me to work with flare!

Why just yesterday I followed my book,
and folded my house 89 times...
into a creature with fantastical looks,
and oh my, it got me there in time!

My creature was maroon with a purple tail,
a bird-like face, three wings and two noses.
Up and over the rooftops it sailed,
Landing on my poor neighbour's prize roses.

Today however, I'm refolding his face,
And I know I'll never fold him again.
Such is the way with my origami place,
Its shapes are unfoldable, destroying my friends.

As my days twist and turn in their weekly crease,
As I scrunch up new patterns in a feverish way,
I contemplate parchement - no less Japanese!
What we did before paper was endlessly play!

What art it is to show the steps of creativity!
The deep practice of ancient tradition.
From paper to boat in a moment's brevity.
Origami the new emblem of imagination.

The ingenious of paper is revealed again!
It bears the weight of invention and then
with scribbling pens and doodles and math,
We can contort this once tree into society's friend!

Indeed, however,yet and as such,
Origami's counterpart is the memo, the fax,
The Exam, the law and our memory crutch.
Why not combine origami fish with tax?!

We could make a floating lawsuit,
With seagull misdemeaners flying m-like above.
Certificate hats and instruction manual fruit,
Why not origami the making of love?

I could do that, you know I just might,
but now I'm hearing the geckos stir.
Best to lay this paper down for the night,
If I keep folding I risk that my memory will blur.

Of some interest...
www.paperfolding.com
http://underground.zork.net/ (Origami Underground?!)
www.tammyyee.com/origami.html (Teaching stylz)
www.merrimack.edu/~thull/OrigamiMath.html (The Math of Origami)

The Ajimu Aussie

2004-12-06T06:48:00.000-08:00

Zen and the Art of the Koncho

2004-11-20T04:49:00.000-08:00

A rock solid approach to understanding and erradicating the dastardly Koncho epidemic.*

You know the crack of your ass? Often referred to as 'poopshoot' or 'the Great Divide?' You know that crack? Ya, well, Japanese children LOVE to stick their fingers up that crack. Not their own. No, that wouldn't be disgusting enough. Your crack. My crack. My friends' cracks, and probably even more cracks than that! This strange custom is called the "Koncho."

I have a very short list of dislikes about Japan.
1. Nato - I can't believe that much snot is readily available. For consumption.
2. The Koncho - You can pick your friends, and you can pick your ass, but you can't pick your friends' ass. Or your teachers', for that matter.

Roughly translated, koncho means "illigitimate enema." That is probably the worst translation of all time. The kids make a fake gun with their fingers, and shove it up my butt! If I could translate the word Koncho, and I think I can, I would call it a "Foul proud that invokes immediate anger." Its lightyears beyond what I was used to as a kid, the "purple nurple." A short squeeze of the nipple was always sure to get a chuckle. Let me tell you, there ain't no one having a laugh after a koncho.

One of my first days teaching in Japan, I found myself in a nursery school with about 30 little, adorable children. Honestly, Japanese children are dolls - so sweet. But big heads. Really big heads. Not unlike a weather balloon. Anyways, I thought I'd start the class off with the tried and true ABCs. Bending over to write on their frustratingly low whiteboard, I wasn't even past E when I heard this little voice holler "Konchoooooo!" and soon after a quick, violent poke was applied to my scphincter. The E I was drawing turned into an erratic scribble (an artistic expression of the rage that ignited within me) and I instinctively swatted backwards at the attacker, knocking him about 5 feet back. Tears followed.

Should I feel sorry for that mini-pervert? Um, how 'bout no?! He purposely popped me in the butt! That's my scphincter little man! Did you want a hug for doing that? A candy? YUCK!

I have since engaged in some rather interesting dialogues with various other 'victims' of the Koncho. We've tried, in vain, to understand why, in god's sacred name, Japanese children like to do this. No concrete conclusions have yet to be reached, but what is amusing to consider are the many solutions we have developed in order to erradicate the Koncho. The art of avoiding it, Lettermen style.

10. The Ol' Hat Toss
Throw their hats out the window. Sorry Swagman, that's a stupid solution. Never worked, and just got them riled up. After a while they were throwing their own hats out of the windows, and laughing in glee as they konchoed one another while they ran out to pick them up.

9. The Ol' Watergun
Again, Swagman, very lame. Although I do give you full points for actually bringing a supersoaker with you into class, it didn't really work, did it? Squeeze, squeeze, laugh, laugh, grab, grab, and the soak their entire art collection on the wall. Nice one.

8. The Ol' Walk-Out
I've only done this twice, and it has worked as a temporary solution. If I act upset enough and leave, they seem to get the point. I don't like doing it really, cause its pretty harsh, and they are afterall, little dolls. And hey, no one else is sticking their fingers up my ass, so...um, what gives them the right...I'll find my own poke, thank you very much...ok. Moving on.

7. The Ol' Run Away
As I am singing my trademark farewell song after class, I point into the distance with a surprised look on my face and run like the wind. Scphincter intact.

6. The Ol' Electric Current
I think this could be groovy. Its bound to backfire though, and you might get a strong electric Koncho by accident. Could easily be substituted with a mousetrap.

5. The Ol' Paper Mache Ass
Although this has yet to be tried, to my knowledge at least, I think this is a fantastic idea. Just another ass, protecting the real pot of gold. They could be hanging off of it, hands stuck way up there, and I wouldn't miss a step.

4. The Ol' Gross Out
I have told my students that spiders that live in my butt. And a small "oni" (devil) will bite their dirty little fingers off. Of course, this is in broken Japanese, but it seems to distract them long enough for me to back myself up against a wall.

3. The Ol' Smack Upside the Head
O.K., not all-together "lawsuit" free, but HIGHLY effective. I see it as a way to prevent them from unnecessary bar fights in the future, when the risk is high of Konchoing an unsuspecting Yakuza (ganster) and getting totally pumelled. Or, into an uncomfortable night at a Love Hotel. I am here to teach, am I not?

2. The Ol' Switcheraoo
After they Koncho you, scream at the top of your lungs and look as frightening as possible. It scares the hell out of them. Like psychological testing, they will learn that popping the butthole results in a horrendous fury. And then, when they give me a hug, I'll smile and offer them a candy. Oh, they will learn.

1. The Ol' Crap in Shorts
Perhaps, if you are not keen on soiling yourself on purpose, you could bag some doggy doo-doo on the way to class and leave it down there. Gross? Yes, I think so too. But whatever works. Heck, why not just fill the supersoaker with shit next time Joel? That might be a successful combination.

The hyprocryte in me would now like to say a few words. Since experiencing the dreaded Koncho more times than I wish to reveal, I too have started giving Konchos. Its a sick way to vent my frustrations - to avenge my yin yang, if you will - and I do apologize to all who have been subjected. I can't help it though. Someone bends over, and its an instinctual reaction now. My hands clamp together in the fake gun formation, and in they go! I realize this doesn't contribute to the Zen in the title, but hopefully the top ten will. And I don't think I have a problem with it. Unless I start asking the kids, "Hold it in there for a moment - oh ya - ok now slowly...oooh." Right. I'll stop there.

* Although not yet proven to be physically infectious, it is most definitely a sick psychological epidemic. In the words of the gurus down at the Pringles Factory, "Once you 'pop', you can't stop."

Charlie Chaplin

2004-11-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

"To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain and play with it!"- Charlie Chaplin

Twelfth Night - Shakespeare

2004-11-12T10:53:00.000-08:00

"Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun; it shines everywhere."

Who the....?

2004-11-11T01:54:00.000-08:00

adfklj

My World Does Not Include Raisins

2004-11-10T06:57:00.000-08:00

I guess the only question here is, "If your world doesn't include raisins, then what the hell are you supposed to eat peanuts with?"

The title is a quote from one of my adult ESL students, who shall, hereafter, be referred to as "Squiggly." After offering her beautiful fat raisins all the way from Canada, Squiggly quietly typed away on her electronic dictionary and soon after said to me, "My world does not include raisins."

What a fantastic response! It really made me laugh! If only I were as keen-witted as that electronic dictionary! Then I'd have all the girls typing away on my.... Right. Sorry. Got a little sidetracked there...I was staring at the bamboo outside my apartment.

Seriously though. Squiggly is constantly using her e-dictionary. She barely even looks at me during class! AND! if that dictionary not only has the capability of translating into multiple languages AND! the ability to be as dry witted as the above quote, then what am I good for? Honestly! It could easily replace me! In fact, it could replace everyone teaching English in Japan.
The e-dictionary is a menace and must be stopped!!! Please make stickers of this exclamation and put it on stuff. You know, just to build awarness. If we can't stop people like Squiggly from igniting the e-dictionary revolution, perhaps all language will be automated in the future. I can see the commercials now: "Want to talk to your Japanese friend, but you don't speak Japanese? No problem! Speak into this metal contraption and then POOF! your Japanese friend can press the translate button! [No unnecessary hassles with eye contact or gestures.]"

BEWARE, my friends and family of friends and all of their friends too, BEWARE! We will soon either be fired or assimilated. You can be sure that English teachers are not the only disposable economy! Think of all the other automated replacements in society already!

Why, I've seen mechanical men waving the yellow caution flags on highways! Where are the poor sods who used to do the waving? Vending machines are an obvious connection too...doesn't anybody miss having a chat to the guy at the corner store? He was a good guy! Video games?! Like, where have all the dice and marbles and smurfs gone all of a sudden? Did the smurfs hijack the marbles and take off with the dice in the night? Cell phones? Screw it! Remember when we used to live a little and then talk to our friends? Like, normal life, without the constant commentary. Why, you might have even enjoyed going over to their houses and seeing them face to face! Perhaps you used to drink tea....Cell phones don't serve tea. Do they? Perhaps I haven't found that button yet...

Quickly people, we must find all the Squigglies out there and confiscate their e-dictionaries!! If we don't act quickly, they'll be implanted in everybodies' arms...or made into a shoe first probably...don't want to commit too soon of course...Either way, God-speed, my young champions of the English language!