Monday, April 11, 2005

SARCASM NOW!!*

And now a word on a new coping mechanism called: SARCASM NOW!

Based on the Serenity Now! approach used by self-help groups internationally, SARCASM NOW! allows its believers to turn life on its fat ass and laugh at it. Serenity Now! is a statemtent of affirmation - one of peace and calmness used to ward-off depressing or stressful environments. We all need some sort of technique in those situations, don't we? It's an understatement to say that life can get depressing - but I can promise that at the very least, SARCASM NOW! does ensure an inner-giggle, and at most, can provide relief from the alleged seriousness of life.... After all, everything on this planet is ridiculous, absurd and at times even meaningless...Sometimes we just need to try harder to see that side of it.

Consider these simple scenarios.

1. A co-worker is being pushy around the office - curt, and impatient. You would love to leave work early on account of this abnoxious co-worker, but that isn't an option if you want to pay the bills that month. SARCASM NOW! suggests that one should, subtly - but just loud enough to perhaps get a laugh out of another sitting nearby, respond pleasantly to this co-worker, and in the same curt and impatient delivery. A simple mock can go a long way for your mental health. Don't look like you are taking the piss out of them, so be consistent. Only then will the sarcasm fill your heart with the loving distance you need to deal with that person...Beating the shit out of said co-worker is not a logical option, as you might lose your job and/or risk getting a beating back. SARCASM NOW! is the happy grey area to guarantee the angry release without the pitfall.

2. An ex-girlfriend is sleeping around town, and waving her new-found, guilt-free hedonist lifestyle in your face. You need no meditation, therapy or self-help books to deal with this little bitch. SARCASM NOW! suggests you offer her a condom next time you see her. Why get angry when you can wrap her up with sarcastic love and tell her, 'I just want you to be safe.' Or perhaps, if you feel that is too obvious a jab, then during your next phone call with her, tell her how excited you are about the new book you are reading: Hell; Eternal Vacancy in Paradise. Go into detail about how interesting you think the chapters are on spirits going to and leaving hell, and how the weight of Hell itself is perpetually changing, despite all humanity has learned about loving and caring. You can say to her, 'Why even just [enter break-up date here], Hell has gained a significan population. Honestly - this book is quite factual!'

3. Room-mate getting you down? Is he/she a total idiot, a gross socially inept slob, capable only of repeating movie quotes and telling pointless stories? No problem. Make some fake stories of your own, but never, ever finish them. In fact, be even more obvious in your quest for pointless narratives. Create non-existent movies and brag about how they were so much better than any/all the movies your roommate has droned on and on about over the past months. The real key to sarcastic liberation from this situation is to yawn/burp/fart and ignorantly cut your roommates off in the middle of their stories. The power of SARCASM NOW! will never be stronger!

With its double CD component to the program, SARCASM NOW! teaches proper intonation and delivery of common, everyday phrases to help relieve you of the stresses of Societal Idiocy. Phrases such as - 'You don't say?' or 'Hey, that is really, really interesting. I had no idea.' or 'Man, I could really use a beer right now!' are so perfectly refined that only others who subscribe to the sarcastic approach will pick up on them. And when you do see that other person on your own 'sarcastic turf', think of the laughs you will have! Liberation can indeed be yours, and the magic of the program is that you can share it with others too! [Not too many people of course, cause then it'd stop being funny, and that's not good.]

SARCASM NOW! is being practiced by a small population of believers, and is growing daily. Feel free to inquire about the program, and in preparation for the course, take a moment out of your day and repeat this mantra: 'I could be dead right now, but I know that being a sarcastic bastard is so much more rewarding.'

*Developed and designed by a total prick.

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