Saturday, November 20, 2004

Zen and the Art of the Koncho

A rock solid approach to understanding and erradicating the dastardly Koncho epidemic.*

You know the crack of your ass? Often referred to as 'poopshoot' or 'the Great Divide?' You know that crack? Ya, well, Japanese children LOVE to stick their fingers up that crack. Not their own. No, that wouldn't be disgusting enough. Your crack. My crack. My friends' cracks, and probably even more cracks than that! This strange custom is called the "Koncho."

I have a very short list of dislikes about Japan.
1. Nato - I can't believe that much snot is readily available. For consumption.
2. The Koncho - You can pick your friends, and you can pick your ass, but you can't pick your friends' ass. Or your teachers', for that matter.

Roughly translated, koncho means "illigitimate enema." That is probably the worst translation of all time. The kids make a fake gun with their fingers, and shove it up my butt! If I could translate the word Koncho, and I think I can, I would call it a "Foul proud that invokes immediate anger." Its lightyears beyond what I was used to as a kid, the "purple nurple." A short squeeze of the nipple was always sure to get a chuckle. Let me tell you, there ain't no one having a laugh after a koncho.

One of my first days teaching in Japan, I found myself in a nursery school with about 30 little, adorable children. Honestly, Japanese children are dolls - so sweet. But big heads. Really big heads. Not unlike a weather balloon. Anyways, I thought I'd start the class off with the tried and true ABCs. Bending over to write on their frustratingly low whiteboard, I wasn't even past E when I heard this little voice holler "Konchoooooo!" and soon after a quick, violent poke was applied to my scphincter. The E I was drawing turned into an erratic scribble (an artistic expression of the rage that ignited within me) and I instinctively swatted backwards at the attacker, knocking him about 5 feet back. Tears followed.

Should I feel sorry for that mini-pervert? Um, how 'bout no?! He purposely popped me in the butt! That's my scphincter little man! Did you want a hug for doing that? A candy? YUCK!

I have since engaged in some rather interesting dialogues with various other 'victims' of the Koncho. We've tried, in vain, to understand why, in god's sacred name, Japanese children like to do this. No concrete conclusions have yet to be reached, but what is amusing to consider are the many solutions we have developed in order to erradicate the Koncho. The art of avoiding it, Lettermen style.

10. The Ol' Hat Toss
Throw their hats out the window. Sorry Swagman, that's a stupid solution. Never worked, and just got them riled up. After a while they were throwing their own hats out of the windows, and laughing in glee as they konchoed one another while they ran out to pick them up.

9. The Ol' Watergun
Again, Swagman, very lame. Although I do give you full points for actually bringing a supersoaker with you into class, it didn't really work, did it? Squeeze, squeeze, laugh, laugh, grab, grab, and the soak their entire art collection on the wall. Nice one.

8. The Ol' Walk-Out
I've only done this twice, and it has worked as a temporary solution. If I act upset enough and leave, they seem to get the point. I don't like doing it really, cause its pretty harsh, and they are afterall, little dolls. And hey, no one else is sticking their fingers up my ass,, what gives them the right...I'll find my own poke, thank you very much...ok. Moving on.

7. The Ol' Run Away
As I am singing my trademark farewell song after class, I point into the distance with a surprised look on my face and run like the wind. Scphincter intact.

6. The Ol' Electric Current
I think this could be groovy. Its bound to backfire though, and you might get a strong electric Koncho by accident. Could easily be substituted with a mousetrap.

5. The Ol' Paper Mache Ass
Although this has yet to be tried, to my knowledge at least, I think this is a fantastic idea. Just another ass, protecting the real pot of gold. They could be hanging off of it, hands stuck way up there, and I wouldn't miss a step.

4. The Ol' Gross Out
I have told my students that spiders that live in my butt. And a small "oni" (devil) will bite their dirty little fingers off. Of course, this is in broken Japanese, but it seems to distract them long enough for me to back myself up against a wall.

3. The Ol' Smack Upside the Head
O.K., not all-together "lawsuit" free, but HIGHLY effective. I see it as a way to prevent them from unnecessary bar fights in the future, when the risk is high of Konchoing an unsuspecting Yakuza (ganster) and getting totally pumelled. Or, into an uncomfortable night at a Love Hotel. I am here to teach, am I not?

2. The Ol' Switcheraoo
After they Koncho you, scream at the top of your lungs and look as frightening as possible. It scares the hell out of them. Like psychological testing, they will learn that popping the butthole results in a horrendous fury. And then, when they give me a hug, I'll smile and offer them a candy. Oh, they will learn.

1. The Ol' Crap in Shorts
Perhaps, if you are not keen on soiling yourself on purpose, you could bag some doggy doo-doo on the way to class and leave it down there. Gross? Yes, I think so too. But whatever works. Heck, why not just fill the supersoaker with shit next time Joel? That might be a successful combination.

The hyprocryte in me would now like to say a few words. Since experiencing the dreaded Koncho more times than I wish to reveal, I too have started giving Konchos. Its a sick way to vent my frustrations - to avenge my yin yang, if you will - and I do apologize to all who have been subjected. I can't help it though. Someone bends over, and its an instinctual reaction now. My hands clamp together in the fake gun formation, and in they go! I realize this doesn't contribute to the Zen in the title, but hopefully the top ten will. And I don't think I have a problem with it. Unless I start asking the kids, "Hold it in there for a moment - oh ya - ok now slowly...oooh." Right. I'll stop there.

* Although not yet proven to be physically infectious, it is most definitely a sick psychological epidemic. In the words of the gurus down at the Pringles Factory, "Once you 'pop', you can't stop."


Blogger Scott said...

See, this is what I missed out on by not teaching so many kids in Japan, Harrison-sama. I'm glad you've informed, enlightened, titillated (?) me. And I'm glad to know by reading your profile that you, too, appreciate the underappreciated genius that is Chevy Chase. When is that man going to get a career resurgence a la Bill Murray? And where is Chevey's RUSHMORE? And how's the nanpa? Keep up the good work, my young Padawaan apprentice samurai sorta-guy, and, mochiron, sake ga nomeru zo!!! (Oh, and do you think 'Koncho' would have worked on the CI bus heading to OFSAA with Dave Lee and Alex Och? I think Cookie Jarvis would have thrived with it. Oh, the opportunities we missed...)

6:02 p.m.  
Blogger Josh Young said...

That was a damn funny one mate. I`ve been waiting for an excuse to shit me pants at school, now I have one.

9:07 p.m.  
Blogger ジョエル said...

The super soaker was a mistake, I admit. I always liked the old hat out the window policy. Shoes and socks can be substituted if need be. I once went as far as to foricibly take off a shirt and throw it out the window. that caused tears on the part of the young boy involved, but sometimes you have to be a bit mean.

1:51 a.m.  
Blogger Bethany said...

You make me laugh. I can't wait until you come home so I may try this new custom on a vetran! Please don't place poop in your drawers...

3:51 p.m.  
Blogger Mad Hatter said...

Aaaa, aaaa, aaaaa, konchoooooo!!

Bless you!

7:26 a.m.  
Blogger Princess Blogonoke said...

Oh my gosh. This is hilarious. I almost had a hernia stifling my laugh while my cousin's children are sleeping. Frickin' hilarious. I have to share this with the world.

Thank you for the gut busting laugh.

1:04 p.m.  
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